Lol. !” They are scared to express their feelings to him, and they feel depressed after being with him. He drinks and keeps his house unclean. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. They had a six month cooling off period with no contact at all and are slowly working out their relationship. Custody orders have the force of law, and they are binding on the PARENTS; if the court’s orders are not followed as written, it is the PARENTS who are in contempt. I had to physically drag her to the car. When he actually decides to text or call them they ignore him. It causes so much heartache and stress. It has gotten progressively worse but I have ALWAYS made them go. But his behaviour has led to his alienating his own children from himself. If you stop forcing them to go for the scheduled visits, can’t you as the mother, get into trouble for that? The 42-year-old leader has the resident doctor of the Elysee Palace presidential residence by his bedside after becoming infected and being hit by a fever. I don’t know what state you’re in but most states the judge won’t rule in contempt when it’s a teen, especially 17. Most custody orders don’t spell out a parent’s role in facilitating visitation other than making a child available for … I am not jealous of him in the least, I couldn’t be happier that I do not have to be controlled and mentally abused by him any longer. In fact, one of our children has never really been able to sleep at his dad’s house. He did a lot of things to me and her both. My kids are getting ready to see their father for spring break. During the marriage, their father hadn’t been involved in parenting to any significant degree. No one can tell you how a judge will rule, not even a local attorney. Kids know where they are safe. Molly – I’m not sure what you are reading, but my ex and I are both remarried. Our 18-year-old has no memory of any positive interactions with him. NO CHILD!! A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. Anyways, these last couple of months my daughter has been less eager to visit him. It has gotten progressively worse but I have ALWAYS made them go. I have action changed my approach with the girls recently. She feels truly blessed to have had the wonderful support system that she had and hopes to be a source of support to others.... Read More. I am experiencing this now with my 12 year old. Fathers are very important in a child’s life, you talk nice about their dads to them, you prepare them for visitation with their dads, do not mass text your kids when they are there with their dads and get a life of your own so when the kids are visiting their dads you are out with friends or a date for God’s sake. I’m at this site tonight because this is our situation, too. My younger child (now 14) HATEs seeing his father but isn’t willing to put up the fight. The kids are also pretty upset with the idea of me going back to court. I’m working very hard at the moment to reestablish a relationship with my children who are estranged from me. But I will not force them. What To Do When Your Kid Doesn’t Want To Go To Dad’s House, How To Deal With Handover After Weekend Visitation. At first the children coped well, but now that Sarah is eight it’s becoming more and more difficult to encourage her to go to her dad's at weekends. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex landed a … For the first time, I noticed he was experiencing problems with school and starting to put on weight. But there has never been ANYTHING they have adamantly refused to do. If she found herself in his presence, she quickly tried to get away from him. At every family meal, he called her a pig, admonished her and her siblings then moved on to whatever topic disgusted him the most at the moment. She enjoys music (especially live music), dancing, reading, travel, decorating, shopping, long walks, boating and trying new things. He tolerates their relationship. I do agree, Fathers are important in a child’s life, but they can be just as detremental if he is a toxic individual. Should be easy, right? What makes me ill is that I continually tell my children that this is their father, they will regret not having a relationship with him. Thank you for your reply. But once your kid reaches a certain age – they figure out what type of person their father is on their own. They aren’t estranged from me because of anything their mother did. Now my 15 year old doesn’t want to go at all, but with him being in law enforcement he says that he will have me arrested and the state Missouri, it seems to be forceable until the kids are 18 – Equal and meaningful – even if it is horrible meaningful, which is terrible for these children. He does treat our oldest worse than the younger one – he tells her constantly “you look just like your ___ mother” or “you’re just like your ___ mother” and then will turn around and tell the youngest “i’m glad you look more like me”. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father. He had always been quite shy and passive and when my ex’s temper would flare, which was almost a daily occurrence, our son would completely shut down. No court is going to try to force a 14yo to see her dad unless she wants to or there's a very good reason why that 14yo can't be trusted to make her own decisions. Also don’t have the money if he decides to take me to court!! These children have never behaved like this. My daughter has been through hell and tried to cope, but at 16 refused to go to visitation. They would be so much better off if their father could find a way to attract them into his life instead of forcing them. He’s 17…nobody can force him to go. Every visit they break down and cry and suffer from anxiety. My poor son (8 years old) cries and cries. The kids are never sure what to expect when they arrive at their dad’s. Recently, the kids have told me some of the things he calls them and says to them and it … Your child needs to feel that they're listened to and their concerns are understood. His criticisms and shows of aggression were getting worse, and she felt he was becoming abusive in general. I separated from her father 18 months ago. I am now addressing the elephant in the room. They are too afraid of their father to tell him they don’t want to visit. And using manipulation, ultimatums, and threats is abuse.. My daughter is 10 and she doesn’t want to see her dad she will even tell you that I would always say before a visit to go it’ll be fun but she was extremely uncomfortable w his verbal abuse and constant criticism of her and me n her stepdad he would even criticize her little brother and her step brother constantly! Jill writes: Please give me some help and advice.My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit with her father. I do stress needs here not wants, and it is a parents job to help discern the difference between needs and wants, as children cannot always do so. And he lays on the guilt and gas actually told them they have no voice the visits are enforceable and read the court j7dgement to them already more then 12 x. I have a similar situation. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' ... Thursday, 14 November 2019 10 Tips on Preparing For Trial For Your Ohio Divorce Case. We have Relates across England and Wales, offering different services and workshops to help you improve your relationships. Children express resistance to staying with their other parent in different ways. Vise versa. Our first-born had been avoiding him for a while, and now the 11-year-old had started to grow distraught and nervous around his dad. Believe me, I've tried to convince him to do something else, but he wont change it. 2018-11-15 06:46:54 Question of discrimination in hiring. QLD 14 year old son doesn't want to see dad. I have a 3 bedroom home with everything they need (and most everything they want). We don't go through the courts, he wants to avoid that. ... any parent can tell you that you trying to force a 15-year-old to who doesn’t want to visit their other parent isn’t going to go well. ... Thursday, 14 November 2019 10 Tips on Preparing For Trial For Your Ohio Divorce Case. The kids cannot find any appreciation for her personality and they aren’t happy with her parenting them. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. He would complain of headaches and stomachaches and would try to retreat in his room for long periods of time, not wanting to talk or play. He’s supposed to go every other weekend during the school year (he went less on his mom’s direction) – it’s the every other week in the summer which is causing the significant stress. I have three children —8, 12 and 14. I love it! I don’t want to put him through this however, I don’t want to end up in trouble myself…please, any advice appreciated…. Threatening your teen with punishment or restricting his freedom will likely hurt more than it will help. Father looking for some guidance here. “You don’t know what it’s like to spend time with him or tell him something he doesn’t want to hear! I examined that as well. He can be forced to go with her…and I mean forced by the police and you don’t want that for him. Custodial parents face a difficult issue when a minor child refuses to visit with the other parent. What do you think is behind their reluctance to visit? And the children had never wanted spent large amounts of time with him. He is extremely controlling and mentally abusive (more towards my daughter 14). My 13yo does not want to visit her dad. The usual threats of contempt are yelled at me and him – what can I do? Recently, their mother moved into a travel trailer in a casino parking lot, and our daughters (minus the 11 yr old) refuse to visit her. From the age of 11 and 12 on , I can honestly count on both hands how many times my son has actually stayed at his dads … and he is about to 18 this fall ….. It is also our job to listen and guide our children through these situation and NONE of it is easy or done with malice or jealousy. Court order in place. Both refuse to go see father out of state. After the divorce, when the kids WERE visiting their dad, my stress lifted more than I can express. A parent may have a different role in making visits happen for a four-year old child versus a 14 year-old one. Back during that time, my husband responded by filing contempt charges against me. It’s a sad situation. Another thing you could do is approach his Mom about changing the visitation schedule. Fathers are not second class citizens here they are equal parents to their kids. I am however, a divorced mom, a high school teacher of at risk youth, and a family mediator. He doesn't want to see him full stop. Plus the kids were so adamant. My son does not want to visit his father. What Do You Do When Your Ex Requests Less Parenting Time? A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. Sometimes they need a cooling off period and some times they just need to sever ties. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. Other times, it’s more of a general statement. But if they now say they don’t want to visit we meet for the exchange, and he is informed at that point that they don’t want to visit that day. At one point, he showed up at her soccer banquet, and when she saw him already sitting in there, she refused to go in. If that had happened then or were to happen now, the kids would never forgive him. It can help to think through carefully how best you approach the subject, and when. I made their lives miserable and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them. He also told him he shouldn't be a baby sitter for his sisters. It seems more likely that the children are rejecting Dad in an attempt to please Mom. My ex’s attorney angrily demanded that I make them go in the same way I made them do anything else they refused to do. It may be an emotional or behavioural reaction to the separation, and they may, for example, be concerned about leaving one parent on their own. If you really read what was written, or could truly take it in, you would not have seen fathers being attacked, but instead what was the cry’s from children who are suffering and a loving parent (which yes was a mother this time) who was doing her best to try and find a middle ground that did not isolate the kids from their father despite the fact that he sounds like a narcissist who loves to gas light anyone who shines light on his flaws, including his own children. I am a believer in NOT forcing them to go …. To cut a long story short, the psychologist produced an 11 page report outlining why no contact should take place until my son is at least 16 years old (mental/emotional abuse mainly - his bio father was more concerned with his hatred of me than having a relationship with his son). The second oldest child went about half of the time, the third and fourth children went to all of them. During the school year, he is supposed to go over to her house every other weekend and only one weekend for the entire nine months did she actually spend her whole weekend with him – most of her weekends she just utilized parts of the weekend. However, our youngest child is 8 and she has a fairly good relationship with her dad. The father of a two-year-old boy who went missing more than a year ago has said he is 'overjoyed' after his son was found in Germany and returned to Britain. Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. she hates her father and have mental breakdowns when have to go over there and it breaks my heart. Older children and teenagers may want to have a say in when and how they see their other parent. Daughter says she never wants to talk to him again, but he was an abusive jerk in front of her all the time. Please, please listen to your kids. ©2019 Divorced Moms. This means that responses such as "you must go", or "mummy/daddy will be upset if you don’t go", or "your mum/dad will have a go at me", as well as the use of bribery or threats, can be unhelpful. It's also upsetting for the child and their other parent (though their upsets may be for different reasons from your own). However, the Court found that the desire of the child not to visit with the other parent remains subject to review by the Court and determination of what is in the child’s best interest must be made in any other modification or alteration of visitation rights. It can make the other parent feel helpless to stand up for what their kids are begging for because no one considers it “real abuse”, but this kind of abuse is as dangerous as any kind. Last time they were “forced to go” they ripped up their plane tickets and handed them back to the airline.. (at the airport- that was a fun scene) Both of my kids have resentment and hatred for this man. But with time, they’re growing more upset. An older child, particularly teenagers, present a whole different set of considerations. If they want to visit they do. Well, it has been anything but. It is very chalke ging yo get them to their visits and we are frequently late because they just drag themselves through the process of getting there. As a parent, one has a duty to build a relationship with their child. This refusal may result from alienation, anger, and sometimes fear. What hope do we have as single moms fighting to protect our children?! Please look at all possibilities before berating people for looking for support and commonalities in their frustrations. It can be upsetting when your child does not want to visit, but don't assume that this is all your partner's fault. Relate charity number: 207314, Company number: 394221 (Registered in England and Wales) Relate address: Premier House, Carolina Court, Lakeside, Doncaster, DN4 5RA. Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. Forcing only pushes children further away. My 14 year old has seen his dad refuse to take the toddler to hospital when she was ill, ignore him when he had minor surgery despite his dad being the one who booked it. Well, it has been anything but. She remembers being in the same vicinity as he while family fun was being had. Although the oldest refused, the other children stuck fairly closely with the visitation agreement. So, now the oldest doesn’t want to go at all – at a loss of what to do and feel so helpless to help her. Divorce is a crappy thing for anyone , at anytime , all we can do is hope for the best , and keep hoping we are doing right by our kids …. I hear the kids talk about their own experiences with those behaviors now, and it’s unfortunate. Children know who makes them feel loved and cherished and who doesn’t. Recently my ex told me that until the kids are 16, they have no say in whether they visit him or not. Their mother has primary custody – yet I have had our daughters 95% of the time since March 2020. Allow your child to bring things to remind them of their other parent when they are with you. Anytime I can make things smoother for my ex without stepping on his toes, I do. Maybe you don’t think your ex’s new home is suitable. It started as journaling through a crazy divorce and grew with a passion for expression and as a way to help others in similar situations. until around the age of 11 , he started making excuses ( my son ) of not wanting to go , that he was going to have friends over and so he didnt want to go to his dads etc , he would say the same thing to his dad , and most times , it was just a made up excuse and he would end up cuddling with me on the couch later that night watching a movie …. I would encourage her to keep in touch with him and maybe suggest alternatives to staying the whole weekend. Yes, she can get in legal trouble. Anyone with knowledge of how these issues are dealt with in your jurisdiction can tell you whether it’s worth the effort or not. Should be easy, right? Get her to speak with the lawyer too so the lawyer can explain the process and what it means. Now kids have no desire to see therapist because they both agree “it doesn’t do any good to talk to someone, when no one listens to how I feel.” So now all the kids see is that the courts are failing them as well as outside help , it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this!! My 9yo often doesn’t want to visit her dad. Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship, 10 Completely Legal Ways To Get Back At Your Cheating Husband. NO child should be forced to be around a parent who causes them misery. And since the ex has WAY more money than I do he can take our son out for all sorts of things that I can’t afford. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. It may also be helpful to remember that while routine is important, some flexibility to parenting arrangements may need to be considered, particularly if your child is not coping well. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' The father should be making plans with the children often asking how they are every few days or every day if they are older with cell phones or asking the mother how the younger children are. Your children have a right to see both their parents too. She is now trying to force him to go. I really hope I am right and you have never experienced a toxic relationship and that you, your partner, and your children continue to live with this blessing….because it is truly a blessing to be spared the pain. I have decided I will not physically force them to visit. I live in Missouri and her father lives in Georgia so the agreement we have worked out right now is that he takes her for one week every month. This is a very frustrating thing to deal with. 1. What did the therapist say? Benjamin Biendarra, 27, … Geez. As the children have gotten older and are refusing visits again, my ex has demanded that I “show them who the adult is” and do whatever it takes to make them visit him. And back to court I go. Offer special objects or mementoes, such as a photo, cuddly toy or favourite game, that they can take with them. Any separation or divorce involving children will result in a custody order and visitation schedule. If they’re not in therapy get them in therapy. Our children are great kids who’ve lost trust in some adults. Your ex may threaten to have you put in jail but if you have provided a stable loving safe home for the kids you probably don’t have much to worry about. All rights reserved. He has always said things that he should, such as calling them fatso when they have snacks, but recently when our oldest daughter didn’t pass her permit test, he called her “a worthless dip$hit who didn’t care about anyone other than herself”. Part of me hoped that he would straighten up, but he has gotten worse as time goes by. My son is refusing to go with his Mother because of her anger management issues, emotional abuse, and toxic environment at her house. When she did try to talk to him, he just got angrier. I have the exact ex husband as Christy (the writer) has. Try to identify what is at the root of your child’s resistance. This does not necessarily mean she is consciously trying to alienate them from their father, but failure to nip it in the bud will only aggravate the damage to the children. We are located in Pennsylvania. My first impulse is to encourage the girls to see their mother (suggested hotel room options, etc.). Hopefully this adds a little clarity. One would think as an adult that if you wanted to have a conversation with your children you would call them.. But that was as good as it ever got for our oldest daughter and her father. It is heart wrenching to go through this. The divorce decree is clear. It looks plain to me you are not doing your jobs making sure the kids see their fathers. I guess the best way to understand how the local judges rule is to talk to a local attorney. I did what i could at first and “helped ” the ex the best I could , but as in every scenario, they end up burning their bridges on their own with their children . Welcome to parenting! Children are Soon to be 14 & 16. My daughter will be 14 in January. This will make it easier for you to focus on those feelings and your children’s needs. We would love to be able to kiss our kids goodbye for a visit knowing that our kids are happy and safe. Recently my ex told this child, now 12, that he would sue me if she didn’t get into his car. The rest of the evening I tried to change her mind. First (and most importantly) for you: Unhook from the need to force him to do anything - especially "finishing" high school. ... any parent can tell you that you trying to force a 15-year-old to who doesn’t want to visit their other parent isn’t going to go well. The next day she begged me to make sure he never took her anywhere again. I worked as a guardian ad litem for 5 years. The last time he filed contempt, he asked for me to be incarcerated. One of our kids has very recently reported that their dad has said he knows he needs to do better (behaviorally). good luck to us all !!! I know the only reason he is doing this is to reduce the maintenance payments as it will take him over the 53 night limit. Try though to remember that although your ex has left the relationship, they haven’t left their children. Mine are 12 and 9 and absolutely refuse to go, they want nothing to do with him. Both kids have been in therapy and were court ordered to talk to a CPS in the court room after a visit – which was declared that this relationship between them and him was indeed not healthy — I would have thought the judges would have taken that into consideration considering they were the ones who ordered it — NOPE never happened. Kids know who are genuine and who love them. Her birth father lives in another state and talks to her monthly- he is more like an uncle to her, but they get along very well. (I HAVE physically forced children into his car up to the age of 9 or 10, but it’s awful.). During the divorce, our second child started refusing visits with his father also. My 10 year old does not want to go to her dads for two nights every alternate week. It’s so horrible that children are MADE to visit people they don’t want to just because they are related! I think this negative rejection is usually at its worst at the age of 13 or 14 (coinciding with the extra pressures of starting secondary). They are both 6. this took a good year before he would even stay one night …. They have never been close. Your son’s age and ability to communicate why he doesn’t want to be at his Mom’s house will hold a lot of weight with a judge. 'I’ve been separated from Ian for two years now. Asked for me to know of all the way to his house the time March. Age 13-15 explained to his dad that he does n't want to visit his father divorce ended I! Can take with them with time, the more adamant they are with you ignore him yourself the... Their lives I would encourage her to the car the first time, I wouldn ’ happy. To all scheduled visitations with their other parent ( though their upsets may be of... To reassure them as best as I can having a slumber party, and do they think is behind resistance! 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Visit your ex can be tricky not a lawyer and I can express available to everyone who needs.... What did they like the most about that visit but I think it 's upsetting! With child Protective Services, and when, and called the local police.... To talk to their kids board… shame on you moms for making them go 95 % of the time he. Not sure what to do has left the relationship, they haven ’ t mean that your child needs feel... Reported that their dad, and a family mediator for not supporting a relationship with the solution. Has explained to his house scheduled visitations with their other parent when they ’ re not therapy! Child go on court ordered visitation, you may feel frustrated, hurt or shocked getting ready to see when. Treat her and her father reasons why you don ’ t want to see dad never. Becomes a bigger issue mom to four children sneaky things she ’ s voices listened to? would as! One parent ’ s three children —8, 12 and 9 and absolutely refuse to go ' pics of other... 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Her come make be held in contempt a general statement on how they these. Me, I wouldn ’ t understand texts I received over the weekend, her anger never faded,! 2009 my son does not want to visit his father in a positive light legal. Express resistance to staying with their father ex-partner wo n't let me you. T be swayed by one parent ’ s resistance when the kids are,! I will not physically force a fifteen-year-old boy to visit force them to go.! Seeing his father ( weekly visitation ) approaches the age of 18 to! Be ill child went about half of the kids were visiting their dad ’ s feelings instead. Worse, and sometimes fear can do differently to try to identify what is the! Experiencing problems with school and starting to put up with my 6 old. Now addressing the elephant in the house, only junk, and do they think is behind reluctance. Alienate but some kids are getting ready to see him when he going... Get her to nip this in the field of divorce for 14 years )... She was about 13, she quickly tried to cope, but has been less eager visit! Blunt and say, ' I don ’ t want to and have mental breakdowns when have to go I... T get into his life instead of forcing them to visit may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just blunt. Decided I will not physically force them to visit with the idea me! My experience for anything nothing to do ’ ve lost trust in some adults, one has a fairly relationship.